i am in a relationship with my Sir/Master/Daddy and things were going really well, then boom, it died in the bedroom.  i guess i am looking for ideas or thoughts on how to recreate the Dom/sub life i desire.  i have asked for it and am told i am being a pushy bottom.  Any ideas?

Little Bro’:

This is a common dilemma.  It is not necessarily a symptom that something is wrong with the relationship.  Relationships change and grow over time, often mutating into something richer than first expected.  And sometimes things just fall apart because one partner or the other decides it’s more effort than he is willing to accept.  You don’t say whether or not you live together, so one has to make a few assumptions in offering advice.

 It's very hard to maintain a Dom/sub relationship 24/7. A lot of pressure is put on both parties to play their part in private and in public, and for most men that is just too damn hard.  There is no way to know how role-driven your relationship is, but that may be a factor in his reluctance to sexually dominate you; he needs a break from being Daddy 24/7.

Grown-up relationships rarely maintain their passion past the first year or so. Gay men learn to be creative, hence the highly developed BDSM Culture we have today. When most men enter into a relationship it is as much about intimacy as it is desire. If your relationship with your Sir has an intense level of emotional intimacy, the physical need is not as great, or, as has happened more than once, the combination of an intense emotional intimacy with the physical is unbearable.

You don’t say how long you've been with your Sir, but it’s also possible that his interest in you has waned all together. He may just want to break up with you but not have the balls to say so – in which case you’re well rid of him.

What to do? If you live together, be attentive to his needs. Don't offer to get him his coffee - just get it for him. Or pour his beer. If you know how to cook, prepare his meals. Show your appreciation for him. If you don't live together, offer to do what you can for him, assisting him with his household tasks, for instance, and perform those tasks to the best of your ability with no expectations. If Sir asks you what's up, say: "Nothing's up, Daddy, I just like to do things for you."

If you don't live together, and your requests to serve him in non-sexual ways are rebuffed, you can try withdrawing and so he’ll realize how much he misses and wants you. If you decide on this route, be aware that you may never hear from him because this is what he wanted all along. Meanwhile, you can decide whether or not he is really what you need and want in a Sir.

If you do live together, learn to accept his needs as primary.  Sitting on the floor next to him as he watches TV in the evening, perhaps resting your head on his leg, just being in your Boy Space, is an important part of a Dom/sub relationship.  Soliciting his affection with simple gestures may evoke a desire to reward you with the physically intense play you enjoy.  Or he may just push you away, indicating that the relationship is already over for him.

So, if the relationship ends from Sir’s lack of interest, what then?  While the accepted wisdom is that there are four to five bottoms for every Top, what is also true is that not all bottoms are worth the effort. Too many bottoms are nothing more than an aching black hole of need; and masochists on the whole are notoriously selfish.  This means that being the best boy on the market will make a difference. There may be plenty of boys better looking than you, with hotter bodies than you, boys more willing and able to accept intense punishments than you’re able to handle, but if you’re willing to engage emotionally during play, and to express your appreciation afterwards, without expecting more than has been offered, you will make a favorable impression. Learn to accept what is offered and not demand more; you might ask for it, but never demand it. 

As with any relationship, Dom/sub relationships take work and require compromise and negotiation. They don't just happen, springing full formed from one or both men's desire, they are created over time and mature with the men involved.  Your job is to walk a thin line before making a decision. Don’t sell yourself short by remaining with an Owner who no longer wants you as his boy, but don’t throw up your hands and give up when Daddy is willing and able to satisfy his boy’s needs -- but on Daddy’s schedule, not yours.